I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
