your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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