well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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