I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
