Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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