The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Randomize
