we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
