Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
