haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize