I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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