if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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