I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
