college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
