Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
