I'm eating all of the evidence.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
