you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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