Plan B is the new Plan A
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
