Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Randomize
