How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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