I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
