I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
