you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
