Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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