I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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