i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
