So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
