i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize