you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
