Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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