Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
