first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
fuck your aforementioned shoe
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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