i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
