someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
