mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize