T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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