So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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