she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
