Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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