I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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