Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
