Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
