I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
