i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize