I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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