enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
