I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
organizing the empties. That sober.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
