All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
