wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
