he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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