You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
