i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
