The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
