can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
