he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
