we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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