You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
How does one acquire holy water?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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