so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
no you cant smoke seaweed
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize