Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
