Can i not drive my cunt home
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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